Some Days
by Scifiroots
Summary: Fallout from the events of “On the Job” and Aiden takes Danny out for a drink. DannyMac


Some Days...

_Claim: _CSI New York – Danny/Mac  
**Prompt**: Pretense (fivebyfiction)  
**Word Count**: 1493  
**Rating**: FRT13  
**Summary: **Fallout from the events of "On the Job;" and Aiden takes Danny out for a drink.  
**Spoilers!**: Tanglewood, Crime and Misdemeanor, On the Job, slight for What You See is What You See  
_Proof-read January 31, 2007_

---

_Some days aren't yours at all,  
They come and go as if they're someone else's days  
They come and leave you behind  
Someone else's face  
And it's harsher than yours  
And colder than yours_  
- "Somedays" Regina Spektor

---

He played it cool, like he didn't hear the not-so-quiet murmurings. Things like: "I can't believe they gave his gun back" and "Should have been canned," even "Screw up one more time and he's out of here, thank God." Yeah, better to act like he didn't hear. If he tried to respond he'd commit that final screw-up by punching a cop.

Shit, what did they expect him to do? Probably give it up, turn in the badge; in the very least be confined to the lab. He refused to do the first, he'd worked too hard to get to where he had today—hell, he'd been on the promotion grid until this bullshit. The latter... well, somehow Mac hadn't been mad enough to deem that necessary. His probation didn't even require him to stay away from work.

But the pressure was on. The thing that got to him was that the murmurings were true. He couldn't believe that he'd gotten his gun back; he'd been so relieved when he wasn't fired; and he certainly knew that his future hung in the air by a very thin thread.

His friends wouldn't talk about it, at least not to him directly. They were the most discreet about keeping it from ears. He could appreciate that, even though it stabbed at his gut. Flack and Aiden were the most helpful. He knew they talked, but he never saw doubt or scorn in their expressions. They were the ones he'd go out with for a couple of beers after work, shoot the shit and get distracted for a while, feel normal for a few hours before reality crashed in again. Stella treated him professionally, although she seemed to keep a sharper eye on him and was quick to correct him. That didn't surprise him, she'd never been all that close to him, always Mac's closest friend and confident.

And Mac... He didn't have a clue about what went through that man's head these days. His boss couldn't seem to look at him for longer than a few seconds, and then only in a distanced professional capacity. Mac's expression was shuttered and his eyes were cool. Danny knew when Mac talked about him; there seemed to be a special frown saved only for him, and the disappointment and doubt showed on his face. It stung the most coming from Mac. Some days he felt like laughing hysterically just to dislodge the tight knot in his chest. Instead, he clenched jaw tighter and stared blindly at the evidence until the feeling of frustrated helplessness passed.

Aiden pushed him for days to get his psych eval done. That was the last thing he wanted to do, let some department shrink analyze him and then report it to the higher-ups. Mac would see and that meant Stella would know, too. It made him angry that he'd have no privacy. Why the hell did they think anyone would be truthful with a department shrink when said shrink would be reporting it to others? He sure as hell didn't want to lose his questionable spot on the team. But he didn't know what he'd say, yet. He put it off for as long as he could, until Aiden physically dragged him towards the office and then stood with her arms crossed, staring at him until he gave in with sigh.

She was there after it was over, though, and she took him to a bar and bought him drinks. In between his many drinks, she ordered up water to diminish the hangover he didn't need to deal with the next day at work. He guessed she had wanted to loosen his tongue, get him to finally open up and vent a little. With the mix of alcohol and a strange desperation to talk to someone, he cracked and started to let it out.

Some time later after he'd vented some anger he hadn't realized he'd been holding onto, Aiden pushed over another beer as she cast him a scrutinizing look.

"It's more than these shitty cases," she said. "You ain't telling me something, Messer."

Danny narrowed his eyes at her, suspicious and honestly unsure of what she meant. "You sayin' this ain't enough?"

Aiden rolled her eyes. "Don't be stupid. Just you don't usually listen to what other people say about you." She cut him off before he even opened his mouth; "Sure it's a different situation, but if it was just that, you'd be gettin' past it by now." She paused for a drink; he had nothing to say in the interlude, wondering what she was getting at. "Danny, you been off since the Tanglewood case. It ain't been mentioned in months but you still have it hangin' over your head. Gettin' slapped down on that human statue case didn't help any. It ain't just shootin' a cop that's got to you." Her bluntness punched him in the gut and he flinched. He turned to his beer quickly in hopes of hiding his reaction.

Mercilessly Aiden stared at him and said, "What you can't stand is losin' face in front of Mac. That's what the psych eval was about." Her expression softened and concern, maybe even sympathy, entered her gaze. "There's more than you're tellin' me," she repeated.

Danny couldn't look at her. He stared at the last of his beer and his hands—white-knuckled—clutching it. The thing he hadn't thought about—well, had _tried_ not to think about for months was suddenly clawing its way to the forefront of his mind. Damn Aiden, anyway. That wasn't what this was about. Not really. Nothing more than the professional thing, at least. Maybe.

Aiden was silent and Danny knew she was waiting for him to say something. She wouldn't let him go until he did. Although her words hadn't implied that she _knew_, her expression spoke of a deeper understanding. This was not something he wanted to get into. Not now, not here, and not with anyone. He'd been doing fine blocking it out. Since Sonny was in the interrogation room and he'd seen the expressions on Mac and Stella's faces; he knew then that he had no chance of getting farther... no hope of an opportunity to get closer.

"Why shouldn't I worry what my boss thinks about me?" he said defiantly, against his better judgment.

"Not what I'm talkin' about, Danny," she replied, "and you know it." She tapped her index finger against the tabletop, making him look up and meet her stare. "It's killin' you," she said bluntly.

He glared unhappily and finished his drink, setting the glass down harder than he intended. "Ain't none of your business what it is." He shook his head in frustration.

Aiden looked at him skeptically. "You look good in denial," she said sarcastically. "Fine, you wallow in your misery and fall further behind."

Danny threw his hands up in exasperation. "I'm workin' my ass off, followin' rules like a good little boy, did my psych eval... What the hell else am I supposed to do, huh? Whaddya expect?"

Silence reigned for some moments. Finally she sighed. Not without compassion she said, "You need to get over him."

He blinked at her; he hadn't expected that. When her words caught up with him he gave her a crooked, bitter smile. "You think I haven't been trying." She eventually flinched away from his stare and looked out the window. He felt like laughing, or maybe crying. "It ain't nothing," he finally said gruffly. Wasn't like he hadn't lived with it before. Someday he'd get over it. Someday it wouldn't hurt so much to remember that tight expression on Mac's face as he pushed the gun across the table; and maybe someday Danny wouldn't feel nauseous wearing the holster.

After a while he stood up. He pulled out a couple of bills to help cover the drinks. He knew he couldn't stick around any longer. It was going to be a rough night; there were definitely highly caffeinated beverages in his future. As he pulled on his jacket Aiden turned to look up at him.

"It's not that simple," she said quietly, more a question than statement. His jaw tightened and he didn't reply. He turned to go but not before hearing her say, "God, Danny. You chose the wrong man to fall for."

He pretended not to hear, kept walking with his heart lodged in his throat. Tomorrow he'd be back to playing it cool. After a while he might forget tonight and Aiden's knowing stare. In time Mac's gaze might not be filled with disappointment. And maybe someday his dreams wouldn't be haunted by shooting blindly in a crowded subway at a perp who had a far more familiar face than a stranger should.

The sharp tug of wind made him hunch his shoulders as he headed to the subway, all the while attempting to stuff his emotions back into a dusty corner.

Fin


End file.
